Thursday, October 19, 2006

A Major League Death

T. White

The AP reports that MLB is teaming up with Eternal Images, a company in the lucrative funerary industry, to make officially-licensed caskets and cremation urns bearing team logos and colors.

The punchline, actually appearing in the story, is to find out “how many fans have undying loyalty to their favorite team.”

MLB and Eternal Images are tying to capture “the life and the passions of the person that has passed away,” said the Spokesman for the National Funeral Director’s Association. “More and more families are wanting to have something that respects the personalities.”

A funeral director interviewed also mentions that this will have great appeal to blue-collar fans, apparently ‘cause they’re all too willing to make a mockery of their death. But having an official Yankees casket is not respectful. It’s not endearing, it’s not a show of true devotion, and it’s certainly not cute. It’s sad. Sad, sad, sad.

And so the common man can now choose to leave his remains in a receptacle befitting his station in life – namely, a casket emblazoned with a grinning cartoon Indian. Whether or not it smells like beer farts and hot dogs remains to be seen.

Even worse is the douche bag Commissioner wanting a slice of corpse pie. Fans are already annually quasi-fucked by rising costs in tickets, parking and concessions, the absence of a salary cap, bloated player salaries that affect performance and widen the gap between them and the public, owners constantly seeking public funding by threat of relocation, drug scandals…I suppose it’s only a short, shameless step to death profiteering.

And how can we end this grief? Well, as I’m sure Bud Selig would tell you, hopefully by dying in Major League style. After all, stamped on each casket and urn is the embarrassing proclamation that “Major League Baseball officially recognizes (person’s name) as a lifelong fan of (team).”

(There is, I admit, an upside to this travesty…maybe some terminal kid who hates his Cubs-lovin’ father will demand a St. Louis casket as a final “fuck you”.)


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