Sunday, February 25, 2007

Dear Roger: Shit or Get Off the Pot

The way I see it there are two options for older baseball players who think about retiring: keep playing or retire. That’s it, right? Not if you’re William Roger Clemens, who can keep three (or more) teams in limbo with his annual whining about the “grind” of the baseball season. It’s not often I intensely dislike a future hall-of-famer. But it’s not because he threw at his own kid’s head in a game, it’s not because he threw the broken bat at Piazza in 2000, and it’s not because his wife sells fugly shit like this for charity. It’s because he can’t make up his mind. Sports columnists, analysts, and commentators across America have given their opinion on Clemens’ annual dalliance with the retirement issue. Here’s my six-word advice: shit or get off the pot.

It’s really simple. As any reader of knows, almost every single day someone gives an “update” on his retirement. Sometimes it’s a health issue – Clemens doesn’t feel physically “there” yet and isn’t sure his body will hold up. Sometimes he actually shows up somewhere that might betray his feelings on coming back for another season – see his recent trip to the Astros training facility for one example (or last season when he caused a shitstorm in Houston when he went to a Rangers game). Or, now we can actually quantify the possibility of retirement. In a statement similar to Jordan’s famous “99% sure I’m retired” comment, Clemens recently stated the odds of him retiring were 80/20.

As a professional non-athlete, I don’t know first-hand how athletes feel about retirement, although I’m sure it’s a difficult decision. But seriously, stop making the New York media track your every word, Roger, and just retire. Or show up to spring training like EVERY SINGLE OTHER PLAYER IN MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL. Last I checked the baseball season begins in spring training and ends in the fall. Stop acting like a little girl and make a damn decision.


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