This can't be my seat

Dr. Uetz

I have a request for MLB owners. In 2006, you need to develop the Family Section at your ballparks.

I don't know who started the whole trend of family friendly parks, but it has to stop. Bernie Brewer no longer slides into a keg of beer - something is seriously wrong. Somewhere along the way baseball was designated as a family outing, I guess because the players don't literally hit one another. But baseball games are not for the family. Baseball is a game of agony and pain. A game of great emotion and stress. It is an outing for parents who want to teach their children valuable lessons - including why the word "fuck" is appropriate for Miller Park or Camden Yards, but not school.

But too many parents now bring their kids to games with no intention of teaching them a damn thing. The kids run around, their backs to the game (and if you think I don't pray screaming fouls, your wrong), and pester those of us who give a damn. And when I dare to utter a "fuck" or "cocksucker" I am promptly visited by an usher who knows their energy is misspent on me, a true fan.

So there needs to be a section for these limpdicks. A place where they can sit in unoffensive bliss and watch the San Diego Chicken pester the umpire. Oh what fun. But it would free the rest of us to do what we do best, passionately engage the players and umpires in a serious dialogue regarding the events taking place on the field.

I don't want children near me when I'm at the ballpark; unless they're female children, about 18 or 19. If you do choose to sit near me, understand that I am a true fan of the game and I am not required to warn your child about approaching foul balls or foul language. Both are a certainty, and you should know that.