9 Rules for Attending Baseball Games

Mike Popelka

With spring on the horizon and players trickling into camp, it’s time for us, the fans of professional baseball, to begin our own preparation for the upcoming season. Athletes are required to learn the rules of their sport as well as comply with some sort of team code of conduct. Fans should also have to follow certain rules if they’re going to attend a ball game. I’m not talking about rules everyone should be expected to know, like “Don’t beat up the Kansas City Royals coach with your son,” or anything like that. I’m talking about simple guidelines to follow at the ballpark so that the game can be enjoyed by everyone. Well, when I mean everyone I mostly mean me, I guess. Here is a list of 9 rules for attendees of Major League Baseball games in 2006:

1. Do not go to a ball game to “hook up” with a hottie. Yes Cubs fans who overpay to sit in the bleachers, I’m talking to you. There are plenty of crappy bars to find some action, many of which are near baseball stadiums. Try to score there. While at the ballpark, watch the game.

2. Leave your baseball glove at home unless you meet one of these conditions: (a) you are 12 years old or less, or (b) you are an ass. Few things are more infuriating than watching a physically fit 24 year old with a softball mitt the size of Arizona snatch a foul ball from the waiting hands of a kid. Who’s going to get more joy out of catching a ball off the bat of Henry Blanco? My guess is that kid will. Self-respecting adults are expected to barehand a ball or dive out of the way—no exceptions.

3. Don’t encourage the guy carrying around a stack of 9 empty beer cups. Why would you advertise that you’re a big enough moron to spend $70 on beer? Power drinking should be done in the parking lot before the game, not during the game.

4. If there is a kid sitting near you when you catch a foul, give them the ball. This one is self explanatory. See rule #2 if you need more clarification.

5. Do not start “the wave”. I hate the wave.

6. Clap for brilliant plays made by either team—even if the other team is the Yankees. Displays of baseball skill should always be appreciated, no matter who you’re rooting for. I hate Derek Jeter, but that relay play to nail the runner at the plate in the playoffs a few years ago was awesome. Come on, admit it.

7. Leave your iPod at home. Why go to a live ball game if you’re going to bring your own soundtrack? Part of the experience is in the sounds of the crowd and the other ambience attending a game provides. If you want the soundtrack of a baseball game to exist entirely of downloaded “Trapped in a Closet” remixes, stay at home and watch the game on TV.

8. Always boo Julian Tavarez. This guy is one of the most classless individuals in baseball. Karate kicking Giants players is pretty cool, though.

9. Stay until the game is over (this means bottom of the 9th, folks). I have to admit, I’ve left a few games early for various reasons, but I always feel really guilty about it. Who wants to watch ¾ of a movie and leave before the resolution? Some fans are more at fault for this than others. Take Angels and Dodgers fans for example. Is there something in the water in Los Angeles? Are people incapable of waiting for the game to finish before heading for the exits? Art Spander once wrote in the San Francisco Examiner, “You know that scene in the movie Gandhi with a cast of thousands marching to the sea? It was filmed outside Dodger Stadium in the bottom of the seventh.” En Garde, Angelenos.