Lone Star Lame-Os

Mike Popelka

I hate Texas. The whole state is confused; residents believe that devil horn salutes are called "hook 'em horns" and that the Texas flag looks great as a pair of running shorts. Lone Star beer tastes like crap, and range fed Texas beef is stringy and gross. Some of the worst things to come out of Texas are its baseball teams. The Astros? Yuck. The Rangers? This franchise is only eclipsed in its boring factor by the Devil Rays.

In an earlier post I called the Devil Rays "the most unremarkable franchise in professional baseball." I feel like I may have been a bit unfair. The D-Rays have only been unremarkable for eight years, while the Texas Rangers have quietly remained the Champs of Chump for over four decades. Have you ever seen anyone wearing a Rangers hat at the mall? Can you name more than a handful of great players from the Rangers? Exactly--The Texas Rangers are mind-numbingly boring.

I began to research the boringness of the Rangers and discovered many uninteresting things. For example, the Rangers have never been to a World Series or even an ALCS. Charlie Hough, not Nolan Ryan, is the team's all-time strikeouts leader (as well as the all-time leader in wins, starts, and innings pitched). The team's all-time offensive leaders list generally consists of a combination of Juan Gonzalez, Ivan Rodriguez, Rafael Palmeiro, Toby Harrah, Pete O'Brien, and Jim Sundberg. If the career of Pete Incaviglia is considered a bright spot in your team's history, changes should have been made long ago.

I do realize that some decent players are on the Rangers' squad this year: Michael Young, Mark Teixeira, and Hank Blalock for example. The major leagues are full of good players who just aren't that exciting, though. Do people really say to each other, "Hey, the Rangers are in town-- I'd really like to go see Mark Teixeira?" Since the A-Rod deal fell apart, Texas is in need of some superstar spark. Maybe they can lure Sammy Sosa out of retirement to hit a few dongs and end his career back where he started. I'd at least watch Rangers highlights on SportsCenter then.

It took the expansion Senators 11 years of rotten attendance before management decided to move the squad to Arlington, which turned out to be a great business move. For whatever reason, attendance figures at "Ameriquest Field/Park at Arlington" or whatever it's called now continue to be decent. I wonder how long northern Texans will spend their hard earned oil money on watching their no pitch, no win, no fun local team. Is this called being loyal to your team, or being a sucker? If I wasn't afraid of being punched in the teeth (which I am), I'd ask a Texan next time I'm there. Until I meet an actual Rangers fan who can explain things to me, here's to rooting for any team that plays against the Texas Rangers in 2006.

Note: ZZ Top is from Texas. I like ZZ Top. Also, Stubb's barbecue sauce is made in Texas. That's some good sauce. See? There's no reason to beat me up, Texans-- I don't hate everything from your state.