An Exciting Guide to the Hometown Hero Race!

Mike Popelka was unavailable to write today, so staff writer and understudy Lewis T. Buttersby, the hugest baseball fan ever, subbed for him just like Billy used to do for his dad in the hilarious Family Circus comics.

Less than two months to go, baseball fans! No, not the start of the playoffs (duh-- they start in October!), and not the trade deadline (only a few days left!), but the tallying of votes for your favorite franchise's Hometown Hero!

I know you're all very interested in how the voting will be going down, so I thought I'd break down some of the choices. I want everyone who's voting in this contest of monumental importance to really understand who they're voting for. Let's fill the ballot boxes and show Major League Baseball that we love our Hometown Heroes!

Here is my voting guide for Hometown Heroes of the NL Central division:

St. Louis: Lou Brock, Bob Gibson, Stan Musial, Albert Pujols, and Ozzie Smith

Don't vote for any of these guys. The best part of voting in the Hometown Heroes contest is that you can write in votes! I'll be writing in Jose Oquendo, because to me he really epitomizes St. Louis baseball. He even played all of the positions one time! If I lived in St. Louis (which I never have) I'd want him to represent my team as a Hometown Hero. He worked hard and it's high time he's recognized for it. Vote Oquendo!

Houston: Jeff Bagwell, Craig Biggio, Larry Dierker, Nolan Ryan, Jimmy Wynn

Okay this one's easy-- vote for Nolan Ryan. It's not rocket surgery, people; He's everybody's hero. Remember when he beat up Robin Ventura? Since Texans like to remind other people of how tough they are and how everything's big in Texas, Nolan Ryan is the sure pick. He may not be the biggest pitcher in history, but he's definitely the biggest in my heart!

Milwaukee: Cecil Cooper, Rollie Fingers, Jim Gantner, Paul Molitor, Robin Yount

This one's very tough. You should vote for either Gantner or write in for Gorman Thomas. Both of these guys have parts of Miller Park named for them. Either of these two guys could represent Milwaukee very well, but I feel that Thomas should have the edge. Gantner IS Brewer baseball-- he never led the league in anything (except for the number of times hit by a pitch), he never hit more than 11 home runs, and he was pretty mediocre, just like the Brewers. Thomas on the other hand has a restaurant at Miller Park, and he'll serve you food. Folks from Wisconsin like food (especially sausage!), so he is very popular. Oh, also he has a cool mustache and he's kind of fat like some other guys I know from Wisconsin. Go Gorman! I hope the fans pick you!

Chicago: Fergie Jenkins, Ron Santo, Ryne Sandberg, Ernie Banks, Billy Williams

Okay, the obvious choice is Ernie Banks. He played for the Cubs for a long, long time and never won anything. He was really good, too. I say, though, that we fans should go with someone who really and truly represents the futility of Cubs baseball. My vote goes for Bill Buckner. He was a Cub! One time he missed a grounder and his team lost the World Series because of it! Did you know that?! This to me represents what it's like being a Cub fan-- whenever things are looking pretty good somebody gets hurt or drops a ball or something. Based on this criteria, I guess Leon Durham would be a good vote too, but I feel that Buckner's mustache says "I am Chicago" more so than Leon's big glasses.

Cincinnati: Johnny Bench, Joe Morgan, Tony Perez, Pete Rose, Frank Robinson

A sportswriter named Bugs Baer once said "Cincinnati is nuts with baseball! They ought to call this place Cincinnutty!" I think you'd have to be "nutty" not to vote for Pete Rose! He's gritty, hard-nosed, and scrappy, and so is Cincinnati!

Pittsburgh: Roberto Clemente, Ralph Kiner, Bill Mazeroski, Honus Wagner, Willie Stargell

Wow, another tough one. Willie Stargell should probably be the choice here, because he helped the Pirates win a World Series (or should I call it the World Serious?!). Pittsburgh is a tough town, and I don't recall ever hearing a story about someone beating up Willie Stargell for wearing those dorky yellow uniforms with the pillbox cap. You have to be tough to not get beat up for that! I don't know that Stargell will win though, because people from Pittsburgh don't really like baseball. My guess is that Ben Roethlisberger will win.

Well, there it is-- the exciting guide to the exciting race to be a Hometown Hero! I hope you all find this guide useful. Remember people, we need to rock this vote so that our cities are represented well! Get the word out!

Editor's Note: Mike Popelka had absolutely nothing to do with this. He feels that the Hometown Hero contest is a waste of any true baseball fan's precious time. With any luck, there will be no further voting guides to this meaningless contest.