Bud Selig hates you

Dr. Uetz

Bud Selig doesn't give a shit about you. This may not shock you, but you should be reminded.

I called Bud at home last night to get his input on online fantasy leagues. MLB has been involved in a legal battle with online fantasy companies over the rights to player names and stats and recently suffered a defeated in the eighth circuit court. It's an obvious move by the greedheads to stuff their wallets. God forbid any of us have a little fun without them profiting from it.

So I took a chance and called Bud to see how he felt about the whole thing. He answered and I introduced myself as a "true fan of the game of baseball," and asked if he had just a minute to discuss this whole online fantasy baseball deal. He put down his copy of The Prince, let go a heavy sigh, and reluctantly agreed - it didn't hurt that I had introduced myself as the new PR Director for Rep. Bob Ney of Ohio.

But to the punch-line. Three minutes into our conversation Bud gave me the nugget of truth I had been looking for. At first he discussed MLB's intentions of simply wanting to provide fans with honest and reliable facts. "Who knows baseball better than the MLB?" he asked me. Good point. Not too many people.

"Certainly not the fans," I responded. "Those shitheads are just angling for a piece of the action. My 17 year old cousin Pete just won $150 in his fantasy league; in large part due to the great year Ortiz is having. Is he sending any of his earnings to Ortiz? Hell no. But he sure used his name and stats to win cash."

"Exactly!" Bud yelled. "I hate those fucking fans. They've ruined the game of baseball. This is about the bottom line, you understand. Without rules there is no game. And we write the rules."

I'm sure Judge Medler had the laws of our country and the Constitution in mind when she ruled against the MLB. But there are people out there, the true men of baseball, that she forgot in her decision. People like my friend Bud who rely on that revenue to put food on their table and a Mercedes in their garage. What would happen if we were all allowed to have fun without considering the cost of printing "Ortiz" or "Crede" or "Bonds" in our own Excel files? What about those starving players? Think about that. I for one agree with Bud. Fuck the fans.